Shortest Blog Entry Yet

I am completely broken.  Hopelessly human.  Perhaps I am becoming teachable?  An important outer journey in my life has come to an end.  A clear focus on the inner journey is what is most needed at this moment.  I am thankful to be aware of this fact.

Self Be Not Proud

I have made some good progress on this journey to say nothing negative about anyone, but I have been far from perfect.  Did ANYONE really think I would achieve perfection?  Far too often in my life I have allowed the lack of perfection to stop me dead in my tracks.  "Obviously I can't do this, so why even try?" my negative inner voice says to me.  One of the points of this journey is to seek a better understanding of my self and the underlying forces at work that lead me to say something negative about someone.  I have to remind myself of that and accept the fact that I will stumble and it is when I fail that I have an opportunity to learn.  Well I have a spectacular failure to learn from that happened this past weekend.  Here it is Friday, SIX days after the incident and it has hardly left my mind for a moment since it occured.  Yes I failed in my attempt to say nothing negative last Saturday.  OK, I lost it, and the result was not pretty.  I have been listening to my inner tape ever since.  Here is what I have been hearing:  "He deserved it!"  "Who could blame you?!?"  "You have failed."  "You are worthless!"  Well you get the idea.  The struggle going on inside of my head tries to both vindicate and punish me at the same time.  What a waste of time!  SIX DAYS of my life wasted with this inner struggle for what?  A few seconds of anger expressed inappropriately at another human being.  It is NOT worth it.  I want to move beyond it.  This attempt to say nothing negative has given me yet another gift... but only if I can learn from my mistakes, forgive myself, and truly try to grow from the experience.  I KNOW that is what I want, otherwise why would I have ever began this journey?

Destruction before Growth

When I began this journey attempting to say nothing negative about anyone I joked with a friend "Wouldn't it be hilarious if I try this and it completely destroys my life?"  Well, maybe there was a little bit of truth in that joke.  A spiritual journey seeks to build a new life and to build a new life the old life must be set aside.  Sometimes in life we must be willing to set aside even things we love, maybe especially things we love, in order to make room for a better self.  I am in the process of making some big changes in my life and I would be dishonest if I didn't admit that it is this spiritual journey that has been a driving force in bringing those changes about.  I cannot clearly see my future from this point in the journey, but I am choosing to have faith.  Wouldn't it be great if we could always see what was waiting for us BEFORE we let go of what we have?  However, I don't believe life works that way.  Sometimes we reach a point in our lives where we know we must let go, BEFORE we can even glimpse what the future holds.  It is in those times of unsure change that the spirit of negativity attempts to take control.  I am saying no to negativity, no to fear, but in order to do that I have found it imperative to say yes to faith.  In honesty I have no idea where this journey is taking me, but I know that part of me I am attempting to leave behind will not be missed.

Laying My Cards On the Table

I had a meeting at work today with two superiors.  There had been some conflict, some fear, some hurt feelings.  I went into the meeting with a little trepidation.  I came out relieved for having had the meeting.  Sometimes the hardest thing to do is just be honest about how we feel.  If you are like me you play it through your head a thousand times, each time imagining a different response to your thought of statements, and then you think of how you would respond to that and how they would respond and... blah, blah, blah.  That mind game can keep me busy for hours or even days.  Isn't it a relief to just have the meeting and honestly try to express your thoughts in a positive way?  Lay your cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may.  Did just that today and it felt GREAT!  I didn't have to go negative or get dramatic.  I didn't have to go around and dish the dirt with people not involved.  In the end I realized I had the power to make a choice.  To give my trust or to close my mind to that possibility.  I think this pledge has helped me be more willing to trust without fear.  After all in the end if someone stomps on my trust, it really isn't my fault now is it?  You see I don't have to be perfect.  That means I can make mistakes and be OK with that.  The ability to be flawed and at peace with it is the greatest freedom I have ever known.  Don't get me wrong I don't want to embrace my flaws and keep them forever.  I want to improve.  But it is OK to have flaws, to acknowledge them, maybe even to laugh at them.  Perhaps that is one of the side benefits of this pledge?  I can only tell you that having taken the pledge to say nothing negative about anyone for a year has changed me in more ways than I can count.  Try it for yourself and you'll see.

Is "Truth" Negative?

In my attempts to say nothing negative about anyone I am constantly faced with a nagging question:  Is truth negative?  Or even more to the point:  Is my perception of the truth negative?  Here is a hypothetical situation.  If I observe that someone is dishonest and I warn another person about this dishonesty, have I said something negative about someone?  I certainly think of dishonesty as a negative, so is reporting about this negative a violation of my goal to say nothing negative about anyone?  Don't I have an obligation to warn someone who is likely to be a victim of this dishonesty?  Of course I do.  I am comfortable with that decision.  But alas life is not always that black and white.  What if I only suspect the dishonesty?  What if the only way I can confirm or dispel my suspicions is to have conversations with other people concerning my observations and theirs?  Now in that gray area am I saying something negative about someone?  If because of my pledge to say nothing negative about anyone I remain silent do I become an unwilling accomplice to the dishonesty?  Now what if the negative behavior I observe isn't dishonesty, but arrogance or low self esteem, or abrasiveness, or any one of a million human behaviors that I would label as negative?  Well anyway I think this illustrates the complicated grid I must navigate in order to even attempt such a pledge. So how do I decide what is a negative statement?  The only answer I can really give is motive.  Not theirs, but mine.  I must be honest with myself about my motives in speaking.  It is always a temptation to justify myself in saying all sorts of things "for the good".  But if I am honest with myself, really honest on a deeper level, sometimes I find that I must admit, even if it is honest, even if it is for the good of another, I derive some pleasure from the act of carrying this negative information about one person to another individual.  And right there is the real root of the problem and the real solution if I am able AND willing to look at it.  Do I derive some self satisfaction out of reporting the shortcomings of someone else?  Does it make me feel better about myself to point out the wrong actions of another person?  That is the real purpose of my pledge.  To be honest with myself.  To attempt to take no pleasure ever from speaking of another person's bad actions.  To not seek to build myself up by cataloging the errors of other people.  What I learn about myself, my motives, my "dirty little pleasure" in reporting "for the good" how other's are wrong is where my real progress is found.  So again I find that in any effort to change and improve my outward actions in this world, the real job is not just trying to be good.  Progress is only possible on this outward journey through an inward journey that reveals to me my faults and makes me desire to change them.  So if I am to "be good" an effort to simply do the right thing will never work.  To "be good" I must find where and why I am not.  OK, that is deep enough for a Saturday morning.  Time to decompress and enjoy this bountiful day!

Having a Good Day in Bad Times

Right now there is a lot of uncertainty in my life.  OK, there is always a lot of uncertainty in every one's life if we are honest about it.  I guess what I am saying is that I am more aware of some uncertainties in my life than usual right now.  Of course like most folks, uncertainty breeds fear in me.  When I look at an uncertain future my mind always seems to want to choose the darkest possible outcome and focus on that as if it were already reality.  Sometimes I can manage to cheer myself up by reminding myself that I cannot tell the future and there is no use in feeling gloomy about what is really just imagination.  Sometimes I can even convince myself to imagine a brighter future than the one my mind has conjured up.  But there are times that those mental tricks just don't seem to work and my mind stays focused on a future I really don't want.  It is at those times that I use a trick that some very wise people taught me and that is staying in the moment.  Living life in the moment can be quite beautiful.  You see no matter what tomorrow may hold, today wasn't too bad.  In fact today was pretty darn good.  I took my beautiful daughter to lunch.  I helped her deal with some things she needed some help with.  I had some coffee with some friends.  I got to work at two different jobs I really enjoy with people I really like.  And to top it all off I got to come home tonight to my loving family.  When I stay focused on today, life is pretty good.  Now you might be asking yourself what this has to do with saying nothing negative about anyone?  Well the answer is that when I allow fear of tomorrow to creep in and rob me of the joy of today I find myself anxious, depressed, worried and OK sometimes grumpy.  It is at those times that I am MUCH more likely to want to blame someone, anyone besides myself and in so doing lash out with a negative statement.  Yes, negative thinking leads to negative talking.  This is nothing new, in fact it is ancient wisdom, but it doesn't really mean a thing until I apply it to myself at THIS time, today, this minute.  Believe me, if I want to find a million things to worry about, they are there waiting for me.  But, when I choose to count my blessings instead, you know what?  They are there waiting for me too.

On the Verge of BIG Changes

Have you ever felt you were on the verge of big changes even though you weren't quite sure what those big changes would be?  I have felt that way for months!  I have been dealing with all of the usual feelings associated with big change: Fear, Denial, and only very recently a sense of excitement.  What a blessing that sense of excitement has been.  Oh I still have the fear, but the denial has almost left me.  You know, sometimes I think we just want to hang on to what we know even if it is killing us.  Unfortunately many of the things I am hanging on to in my life are doing just that, killing me, literally.  I'm not beating myself up here or even being hard on myself.  I am for the first time being honest out loud, and I am doing it here on my blog.  If you check, I haven't written on here in months.  My quest to say nothing negative about anyone has NOT ended.  It haunts me everyday.  A couple of posts back I wrote: "Now I find myself at a point where I can either let it slip away, quit outright, or go in deeper and make a new commitment to do whatever it takes to continue."  That was true, but there was a third option I forgot about and that was putting it off and dragging my feet.  That was not a concsious decision, but it was the decision I made.  I can see it in hindsight.  I'm not even saying it was a bad decision.  It was necessary because at the time it was all I was capable of doing.  If all of this sounds like I'm beating around the bush, then maybe you've never been through it, but if you have you know just what I am talking about.  I desire nothing more than to get back to my quest to say nothing negative about anyone, and I know the ONLY way I can do that is to face my fears.  I think I'll stop writing there, because I believe that is a REAL breakthrough!  I have learned if I want to say nothing negative about anyone else than I must face... ME.  I can't promise to write more soon, but I can promise you that this pledge has changed me and it continues to change me.

Going Deeper and Easter

OK, so my decision is to go deeper.  In my last post I said I was at a crossroads in my journey to say nothing negative about anyone.  My options were to abandon the project or continue the project by digging deeper into myself to find root causes for my desire to say negative things about others.  It is easy to simply believe that we say negative things about others because of their actions and they deserve it.  But if I simply accept that proposition I am overlooking a deeper truth, the truth that started me on this journey in the first place.  I believe when I say something negative about another, even if in my mind they have earned it, I create negativity.  It creates negativity in me and in whomever I say it to.  In short it is the belief that if I want to live in a more positive world, it MUST start with me.  Today is Good Friday and I am a Christian.  Sunday I will celebrate Easter.  Now don't stop reading yet, I promise not to preach a sermon!  Here is my thought.  The best way I can see Jesus, or any manifestation of faith is in the results in people's lives, mine and others.  I awoke this morning with a thought.  I always awake with a thought, but it is usually a thought about how much I have to do and how far behind I am, but today was different.  I awoke on Good Friday with a thought about the people in my life and how each of them represents some greater good if I look for it.  In fact I don't have to look very hard for it.  Each person carries within their life a message for me, a deeper truth, that I can learn from if I choose.  This is my Easter, I intend to think about the deeper truth I see in the people in my life.  I believe it is there that I will see a true manifestation of the good that God wants me to have.  I will close this rather long entry with the first two people I thought of when I awoke, in fact the thought of those two was already there completely formed when I awoke.  First is Sean Anderson, a man I work with everyday.  He has lost over 280 pounds and is now making a life for himself sharing his enthusiasm for the health he has found.  In him I see a truth that he is following his dreams.  The second is my boss Bill Coleman.  Now Bill does a lot and works hard and accomplishes many things, but the deeper truth I see in Bill is that he takes time to enjoy himself.  He gives himself a break now and then to do what he wants.  So the deeper truth I see in Bill is that rest and recreation are important.  Wow, only two people and I have already learned to work hard to follow my dreams, but to give myself some down time too.  I will continue to think of the people I know and learn from their "inner truth" as I celebrate Easter weekend.  That is my assignment for me, well that AND relax and enjoy myself.  God bless you, and I hope you also see him this weekend in the people you know.

To Go Deeper or Retreat?

Had lunch with my support team today.  What a great and interesting group these three men are.  I'm really lucky to have them willing to give their time to this project.  The conversation at lunch was very interesting today.  I've now been at this say nothing negative about anyone business long enough to learn a few things.

1.  Like most resolutions, no matter how well intentioned the zeal for keeping them can fade over time.
2.  To keep up the progress will require a rededication to the project.
3.  I have reached a point that may require some deeper examination of myself than simply trying to say nothing negative.

OK, so the first and second points are easy to take, but the third one is a little more tricky.  This attempt to say nothing negative has been very informative to me about how I operate.  I am now at a point where to make progress will require a little self examination as to the root causes of my negative comments.  This was my thought going into the lunch discussion today, and unfortunately the team was quick to agree.  As we began this experiment 3 months ago I purposely did not try to plan out where this process would lead me, but rather wanted to simply attempt to say nothing negative and see how it developed naturaly.  Now I find myself at a point where I can either let it slip away, quit outright, or go in deeper and make a recommitment to do whatever it takes to continue.  I hope this doesn't sound too deep or philosophical.  It is really quite simple.  It seems to make real change in my life I must be willing to examine my motives, that is to say the driving forces that make me want to say something negative in the first place.  I believe now that it is only at that level that progress can continue.  I'll write more about this later as the direction becomes more clear to me.  For now I can only say I'm thankful for what has been revealed to me so far andI'm thankful for the help I am being freely given.

Positive Comedy

I haven't written in a while.  We have gone through a whole realignment at the office with my assistant of 5 years leaving for a new job and hiring of two new employees.  It was of course an emotional time of change, but it all worked out, and for the most part I remained positive!  I cannot say I was perfect, but I can tell you that this pledge really helped me.  It wasn't that anyone was being negative or that I wanted to say anything negative ABOUT anyone, but any time of change brings with it uncertainty and fear.  At least for me it is tempting to become negative in response to situations that are beyond my control.  I instead chose a path of reaching out for help.  Help from other people and help from God to give me calm times of faith and peace instead of worry.  OK, so anyway as I said everything has worked out very well and tonight was a LOT of fun.  I was a speaker at a celebrity roast of our local Chamber of Commerce Director, Rich Cantillon.  Of course having taken a pledge to say nothing negative about anyone does offer it's challenges when you are supposed to be doing comedy at a roast.  Thankfully Rich is well known for being a very positive person, so I was able to talk about that.  I think my comedy was enjoyed AND I didn't say anything negative.  I hope to get back to writing more often now and I'm looking forward to seeing my support group again tomorrow for our weekly meeting.  I'll report on that soon.

Dealing With Negative People

Several people have asked me lately if dealing with "negative people" makes it harder for me to say nothing negative about anyone?  I'm tempted to go into a long winded philosophical song about how no one is negative, we are all on a journey and sometimes... yada yada yada.  Lets be honest, there ARE negative people.  We all have to deal with them, sometimes on a daily basis.  Fate has a way of throwing us in with all sorts of people and there always seems to be one in every group that takes delight in pointing out all of the problems and staying as far away from any solutions as they can.  They tend to focus on how others should change to meet their needs and never realize that maybe they could stand to change a little too.  Now having said all of that, let me share why knowing that is very freeing for me.  Once I can realize that the person is negative by nature, NOT simply by circumstance, I can begin to allow them to be as negative as they want without, and this is crucial, without taking their negativity personally.  I can realize that their being negative has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me, even when they focus it at me and blame me for their negativity.  Now, I'm not saying I want to be surrounded by negative people, but I am saying that this vow I have taken to say nothing negative about anyone has allowed me to stay calm long enough to realize that it is OK to stay calm.  By not playing along I don't get sucked into the negative vortex.  I am free to leave them with their mood and enjoy mine.  I'm sure this all sounds very simplistic, and it probably is, but for some reason it has taken me 49 years to begin to realize it.  The tool that has allowed me to get a glimpse of this reality is the act of saying nothing negative about anyone.  So here is my answer to the question "Does dealing with negative people make it harder?"  Perhaps, but the important thing is that my resolution makes it easier to deal with negative people.

Busy, Blessed, and Bushed

Wow what a week.  Didn't get any blogging done.  100 kids in "Disney's Alice in Wonderland Junior" opening here at the theatre in 30 minutes!  Blizzard canceled a couple of rehearsals and delayed opening night.  I am doing lights for the production.  My wife is the Director, my daughter is the Stage Manager and my son is one of the 100 actors.  On top of the play this week was deadline for some very big grants for the theatre.  So grants, blizzard, 100 kid show all in one week is certainly enough to test one's resolve to say nothing negative about anyone!  So how did I do?  Not perfect I'll tell you that.  But, I did do so much better than I would have done without this resolution.  I can truly see how it helped change my mood and how it helped those around me.  Best of all, I got to meet with my 3 man support team for lunch on Friday and I spent about an hour unloading all of my stress on them (in a positive way).  It really helped.  Now here it is opening night.  The kids are all excited, the parents are happy, the theatre is filling up and I haven't bitten any heads off.  Hopefully I will be able to write more next week.  The main point I wanted to leave you with tonight is that this is working and it is beautiful.  I should have thought of it years ago.  Well got to run, the curtain is going up soon.

Stress and Support

Stress!  Stress is a killer.  Stress can and has caused me to say negative things more than anything else in my life.  When I am under pressure I often feel justified in being hyper critical of others and overly sensitive to any increased demands placed on me.  This past week has been one of those times.  This coming week will continue the pressure cooker.  I won't bore you with all the details of what all the pressure is about.  I'll just say it is work related.  I have wanted to go negative and blow up, and I have at a couple of crucial moments slipped and let a little steam escape, but nothing like the old days of blowing my lid completely off.  I wish I could have done better, but I also recognize that there has been tremendous progress in the way I have so far handled all of the situations contributing to the stress.  I find that my pledge to say nothing negative about anyone is causing me to stay focused on finding solutions and trying to implement them.  It is also helping me recognize that I am not responsible for how others handle stress, nor do I need to take it personally when, because of their stress they let a little steam blow my way.  That breakthrough alone would make this experiment worthwhile!  I have not been able to write as much this past week because of the amount of work on my plate, which of course is what I am writing about now.  I can only say that I am so far very glad I made this pledge and that I have help available when I need it.  If you should decide to try this "say nothing negative" thing I can strongly recommend you get at least one person to be a support to you, and if you can get three like I have, so much the better.  Without them and this blog I might have let this slip away like so many other resolutions in the past.  Thank you for keeping me going.  The longer I try this, the more I realize how badly I need it.

Visit to Lexington Schools

Today I travelled to Lexington, Oklahoma to present two assemblies.  The first was for members of the Lexington High School and the second to Lexington Junior High School.  It was my first time to publicly speak and share my ideas about saying nothing negative about anyone.  It really gave me a new approach to take with the students on the topic of bullying.  It was a much more personal message and I spoke about my own experiences with this challenge.  The students were great and were really fun to work with.  The faculty was very encouraging when we spoke after the assemblies.  One teacher said she was going to make the "Say Nothing Negative Challenge" a writing assignment for her classes.  I really hope I get more opportunities to share this message with young people in the future.  Only positive words from me for Lexington Schools.

The Minister Speaks

As you know if you've been following this blog, I am not alone in my attempt to say nothing negative about anyone for one year.  I am being assisted by three men who each approach this from very different perspectives.  An English Professor, a Certified Counselor, and a Minister.  Today we hear from the minister:

Dear followers of Dave’s blog,

My name is Mike Smith. I am one of the “professionals” on Dave’s support team. Dave recruited me to supply advice from a biblical/theological aspect in his endeavor. I am Dave’s pastor and an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church. Of the three support team members I have known Dave for the shortest time, just three years. My first remembrance of Dave is right after my first worship service at Ponca City FUMC. As Dave and his family were leaving the service they presented me with a gift, a box of macaroni and cheese. The gift wasn’t given to help fill my pantry but because my sermon title for that service was “Macaroni and Cheese”.  This was my first insight into Dave and his humorous, fun-loving nature. (I still keep the box in my office.)

However, there is a connection between Dave’s current quest to not-say-anything-negative-to-anyone-for-one-year and my sermon on that first Sunday worship service. My macaroni and cheese (aka, my ministry’s bread and butter) is to help people live out their faith seriously and faithfully. (Phil. 2:12-13) Dave’s attempt to control his tongue and willingness to hold himself accountable is virtuous and inspiring and, therefore, more than just a sterile scientific experiment. Thus my interest is pastoral for Dave and also for all who follow Dave’s blog. I’m very interested to see how Dave’s commitment plays out in the public square and how much conversation and inspiration it stimulates. It is one small alternative to the cynical, negative voices that so often consume us.

-Mike Smith

Thanks Mike for your support and encouragement in this quest.  I'm just thankful your first sermon wasn't called "12 Pounds of Rib Eyes" I don't think I could have afforded it.

Another Week of Saying Nothing Negative

Well I just wrapped up my third week of saying nothing negative about anyone.  I'm not as "on edge" about it now.  I didn't get to have my weekly meeting with my support team because of schedule conflicts.  We will meet again next week.  It was a good week.  It is interesting that I have sort of settled into a routine in only the third week.  In the coming weeks I have the two anti-bullying assemblies, and I am a guest speaker at a celebrity roast.  That second one could be an interesting challenge for someone who is not supposed to say anything negative about anyone, but I think I have an angle that will work.  I think I have learned that most people I come in contact with make it easy to say nothing negative.  Those that do make me want to become negative, I simply don't think about as much as I used to.  Just sort of let the moment come and go without comment and move on with my day.  Seems fairly simple most of the time.  Funny I never thought of it before I started this journey.

Love is All You Need

VERY interesting day.  Louise Harrison, the sister of late Beatle, George Harrison was a guest on my radio show this morning to promote an upcoming appearance of "Liverpool Legends", the Beatles tribute act she hand picked as a tribute to her brother.  Playing Beatles music on the radio and talking to someone who was there in the inner circle with the Beatles when it all happened was an amazing experience.  What made it great was the fact that Louise is a very nice and genuine person.  She spoke often of growing up in Liverpool with parents who taught her, George and their siblings to be honest and treat people with respect.  I felt as if I got a glimpse into the soul of George from meeting his sister and seeing how she treated everyone she met with respect and kindness.  Although some news sources have recently reported that she is 80, Louise is quick to point out that she is 79 and a half!  She recently had hip surgery, and it was quite cold here today, so I know it was not an easy thing for her to go everywhere we took her to meet Beatles fans, but she did it all with a smile and a true enjoyment that showed.  Everyone she met got a "Harrison hug".  She explained that one of the last times she saw her brother, he gave her a hug and told her to keep it going.  She has.  The joy she brought to the people who met her today was really something to see.  Toward the end of our scheduled time together as we sat talking, I told her a little history of Ponca City.  When I mentioned Standing Bear, a Native American who was the first to be recognized by the courts of the United States as a human being, her eyes lit up with interest.  When I told her there was a statue of him, she said "I must have my picture taken with that statue.  I want the Native American people to know that I stand with them and recognize all that they have been put through."  Wow!  I thought to myself, this is such a "Beatles" thing to do.  So like the message of love they tried to share.  This was a "Harrison hug" to a whole race of people who have suffered opression.  Imagine if you will Louise, 79 and a half years old, hip no doubt hurting after a day of meeting and greeting, insisting that we take her to the Standing Bear statue on a very windy and cold afternoon so that she could send a message of love.  In that moment I truly saw her as George's sister.  I understood how the love for others that was showed to her as a child by her parents had helped shape her entire life.  I also knew that those same lessons had helped form the life of her famous brother and his quest to seek peace and spread love through his music to a world so in need of that message.  Today I have nothing negative to say about anyone.

School Assemblies and a Sermon

Time to bring you up to date on all the latest happenings.  I have "Anti-Bullying" assemblies scheduled for a Junior High and a High School next week and I am really looking forward to seeing how the kids react to my efforts to say nothing negative about anyone for a year.  I have been presenting anti-bullying assemblies in schools for years, but with this new experiment I really feel like I have something relevant and new to share with the students.  Yesterday was a very interesting Sunday for me.  Mike Smith, the minister on my support team delivered a sermon that involved telling the congregation about my efforts.  I can't ever recall being referred to from the pulpit as a GOOD example before!  After the service I got lots of pats on the back and a few friends in the church were grinning ear to ear anticipating the fun they will have this year baiting me and seeing if I can react without saying anything negative about anyone.  It was very apparent that they have known me for years and easily recognized that this task is out of character for me.  Lets just call their sly smiles brotherly love shall we? 

Second Weekly Meeting

Yesterday was the second weekly meeting of my support team.  We had plenty to talk about.  We discussed the Arizona tragedy and the national mood.  We discussed the idea of developing some material to assist others in taking a "Say Nothing Negative" challenge.  Most of all we discussed one of my favorite subjects, me.  It is really great of these three busy men to take time to help me in this process.  One interesting thing that happened during the course of the conversation is that each of them at some point defined their thoughts about the role of the support group.  Mike, the minister referred to the group as a sort of "divine influence".  James, the counselor at one point referred to the group as the "super ego".  Scott, the English professor kept talking about grading my progress.  Speaking of that, Scott has taken on a little project for the group.  He is going to develop a criteria to "quantify this process which is really more qualitative in nature."  He spoke of developing a rubric (Pronounced roo-brick).  I'm not sure I understand all of that, but I look forward to seeing what he comes up with and how we can apply it to this experiment.  I got a little nervous when Mike described the process I was going through as sanctification, but felt better when he said it just meant trying to become a better person.  Our meeting this time was at a restaurant that had free soft serve ice cream.  At the end of the meal Mike asked if I was staying away from the "stupid ice cream" so I wouldn't get a brain freeze again?  My sanctification process prevented me from answering.

The Arizona Tragedy

Eight days after I started my journey to say nothing negative about anyone ever our nation was rocked by a horrific tragedy in Arizona.  A gunman shot several people at a political meeting outside a grocery store.  His main target a United States Congresswoman.  What followed was an incredible nation wide outpouring of finger pointing and name calling.  The right blamed the left, the left blamed the right.  Newscasters, politicians, talk show hosts were all blamed for the shooting, or rather the uneasy heated political environment that existed before the shooting.  The same environment that was so well highlighted in the lack of discussion and storm of screaming that followed.  I am not here to share my opinion.  There are plenty of places to hear every opinion under the sun.  I am here to say nothing negative about anyone and share what that journey is like.  What I am experiencing is anger, sorrow and fear.  The one thing I do know is that this event has focused even more attention on the words we use and their impact on those who hear them.  My reaction is different today than it would have been before this personal journey began.  I do not want to say anything that divides.  Instead I find that because I am forced by this vow I have taken to say nothing negative about anyone I am only left with these feelings of extreme sadness as I watch the name calling.  My deepest sadness tonight is not caused by harshly judging those involved in the political rhetoric.  It is a more profound sadness than that.  It is a sadness for who I was and the time I have wasted, because I know I would have been thick in the middle of this rhetoric if not for this vow.

The Hypothesis

Mike Smith, the minister on my support team, gave me a writing assignment.  Since I refer to my resolution to say nothing negative about anyone ever as an "experiment", he said I should write a hypothesis.  His question, "Dave what do you think the results of this experiment will be?"

Well I have said from the beginning the experiment will focus on three questions.
1.  Is it possible?
2.  How will it change the way people react to me?
3.  How will it change me?

Here is my best guess as to the outcome of these three areas over the next year.

1.  Is it possible?

Hypothesis:
No it is not possible.  At least it is not possible to the point of perfection, however I believe progress will be made and in the end that may be all we can hope for in life.

2.  How will it change the way people react to me?

Hypothesis:
I believe there will be less conflict in all of my relationships, personal and business.  By refusing to say anything negative about anyone I believe it will help the people I deal with to more openly communicate their feelings with me.  I believe if I am less negative, the people in my life will be less negative toward me.

3.  How will it change me?

Hypothesis:
I believe by eliminating negative communication I will gradually have fewer negative thoughts.  I believe not making negative comments will force me to think of more positive things to communicate.  I believe the long term effect of this practice will create in me the ability to more quickly recognize the positive side of situations and people.  In short, I expect this process to help me waste less time and be more productive by shortening the length of time it takes me to move through and past my negative reactions and feelings and into working for positive outcomes.  I believe this process will lead me to a happier, more satisfied life.

Wow!  I'm expecting quite a lot aren't I?  I really don't want to get caught up in these expectations though.  I simply want to do the best I can to maintain my resolution and let the results happen.  Now that I've expressed my hypothesis on the outcome, I will speak to my team about their ability to measure the results.

Are these accurate expectations?  God willing, I will be able to tell you at the end of the year.

My Wife Started My Truck!

I went into this resolution of saying nothing negative about anyone ever with three questions in mind:
1. Is it possible?
2. How will it change the way people react to me?
3. How will it change me?
I am here to give you an incredible report on the second question.
Yesterday morning I was running a little late.  As I emerged from the shower, threw on my clothes and prepared to dash out the door, my wife, still in bed with covers drawn up around her neck, sleepily announced "I started your truck".  It was VERY cold outside AND snowing!  My truck was outside!  This is a woman who LOVES a warm bed and snoozing and HATES cold.  This was her snooze time.  Her alarm hadn't even gone off yet, and when it did she would have to get herself and two kids ready for school, not to mention get two puppies outside to potty, get them fed and crated.  She started my truck?!?!?  What I am saying is that it appears there are rewards for being less snarky and negative.  Maybe when you change the way you react to life it changes the way life reacts to you?  I'd say the experiment just got very interesting.  This morning after my alarm went off I snuggled a little closer to my wife, she responded by saying "Get up, I'm not starting your truck every morning."  Ok, so maybe life still isn't a fairytale yet, but its only been a week so who knows? 

The Family Speaks

After one week of attempting to say nothing negative about anyone ever, I thought it might be appropriate to see how my efforts are being received by the people around me.  Here are the comments from my Wife, Daughter and Son.

My wife of 17 years:

When I first heard Dave's idea about this New Year's Resolution, I thought, "Ok, this is another of Dave's ideas that will drive me crazy!  It will be all he'll talk about for a whole year!!!"  Well, I was wrong.  Yes, I said it, I was wrong.  So far, the biggest change I have noticed is that Dave is a LOT quieter.  For example, the other day, I was doing some work in the Poncan office for Evans Children's Academy and when I left, I locked Dave's keys in the office.  He was out in the Theatre working and when he was ready to leave, he couldn't get his keys.  He called me and simply said, "Hey, honey, did you lock my keys in the office?" I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, yes I did."  He calmly said, "That's OK, could you just go by Leta's, get her keys and we'll be able to get in the office."  I did this and when I got to the Poncan, Dave kissed my cheek and said "Thank You, Honey."  Now I have to tell you that I don't believe this would have been his response before January 1st!!!  This is just one simple example of how his resolution is affecting him and the people around him.  I know there have been many occassions since Jan. 1 where Dave has wanted to say something negative but, has chosen the 'high road' and didn't say anything.  It has made the atmosphere more pleasant and has made me want to do the same in not saying negative things.  I haven't been as successful as Dave but, hey, it wasn't my resolution!!!!

-Lori

My 15 year old daughter:

My dad is the kind of person that is always doing something. He can't be bored. So when life appears to be slowing down slightly, he stews up another brilliant plan. He's always spitting out ideas, so when he first informed me of his latest, say nothing negative about anyone ever, i didn't put much thought into it, assuming it was just a thought he had and decided to share with me. I had no idea he was actually going to go this far with it.
  Later, at a dinner with some close friends, he was discussing it. I soon realized he was serious about this. I sat there quietly through half the meal listening to everyone's thoughts, choosing not to share mine just yet. When there was a drop in conversation I decided to announce my opinion. I told him flatly, "I don't want you to do it." Everyone just stared at me blankly. No one else had made that statement all night. Everyone seemed to think it was an interesting concept. They all had questions about what was considered negative, and debated whether he could do it or not, but evidently no one's thoughts had gone the same way as mine. Let me explain why I didn't want him to go through with it.
  When I'm arguing with my mom or brother (which is fairly often) I find it relaxing to go somewhere with my dad. It's like a little vacation away from the petty argument.  Our talks always put me in a better mood. He makes me laugh, sometimes using negative comments about things. His sense of humor is such a huge part of him, I didn't want it to have to change. Thinking about this made me realize how a person couldn't go through a year-long experiment like this and not change. Everything about him could change. For all I know, the effect of all this could be him becoming a completely different person. And maybe I wouldn't be as close to that person.
   After I told him all this, he told me how he thought he would change, but for the better. He said he sees the destructive power of negative comments and he sees that as something he has the power to change. We left the conversation there for the time being. I didn't want to think about it anymore for the night.
   One week of saying nothing negative has gone by and my thoughts have completely changed. I see that he can still make me laugh, and we're just as close as ever if not closer. The only thing that has changed is that there's a more positive vibe around our family.
  I've spent a lot of time thinking about the meaning of what he's doing, and finally came to this conclusion:
  I know I can be negative a lot of the time. In fact, what I find myself talking to my parents about most of the time, is the stupid or cruel things friends of mine have done, and I end up making myself miserable dwelling on it. I suddenly came to this frightening realization. My dad saw a character flaw in himself that was affecting others around him for the worse. I see now that I share that flaw. I'm not one to like seeing the bad in myself, in fact, I hate it, which happens to be another flaw of mine. So this was very hard for me. I knew that he was right though. And I have a huge amount of respect for him having the courage to try to change himself. I am slowly trying to change my outlook too. I want to be the best person I can be, so thank you dad for once again showing me the way. I admire everything you do and I am continually amazed with the thoughts you provoke in me. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. I'll always be ready to learn from you, so don't ever stop teaching.
                                        I love you,
                                           Emily

My 10 year old son:

My dad and I disagree on what is negative.  One time he told the dogs to shut up.  I said that was negative and that dogs are people too.  Dad didn't agree.

-Dawson

First Weekly Meeting Report

Yesterday my support team met for lunch to discuss my first week.  The topic of the "stupid malt" was dispensed with rather quickly with all agreeing that my calling a malt stupid did NOT constitute saying something negative about SOMEONE.  They rejected the argument put forward earlier by my wife that since the malt could not be stupid, I must have been making a negative statement about myself for taking the big bite that gave me the brain freeze.  So with that decision the score at one week stands at Negative Comments 2, Dave ?  Well I guess there is no way to score the times I did not say a negative comment.  Lets just say that only 2 negative comments in a week is an INCREDIBLE improvement.  The 2 comments were both within the first 12 hours of my attempt, were not heard by anyone, and can be found in earlier posts.  The other 2 questions I had for the support group had to do with the post titled "The Westboro Baptist Church Test" and also about the dreams I've had about making negative comments during the past week.  Most of the groups conversation tended to revolve around how to perform one's civic duty without saying anything negative about anyone, no matter how you perceive them.  James Carter, our mental health expert, said it best when he said the challenge is to "Refute an argument without negativity".  Mike Smith, the minister, pointed out that in the case of Westboro Baptist Church, he agrees with me that the church seems to thrive on people's responses to their actions, so perhaps the most virtuous thing to do is to not give them a response.  He also agreed that standing with the victims of their actions would also be virtuous.  I might point out that so far Mike is the only member of the team that has couched the process of this experiment in terms of "virtue".  He also gave me reading and a writing assignments for this week.  He said since I continue to refer to this resolution as an experiment, I am to write my hypothesis for the expected outcome.  My reading assignment is Philippians 4.  It seemed the group approved of my response to the Westboro Baptist Church event and there was a great deal of philosophical discussion around the idea of civic duty and how we communicate.  The last topic of discussion was my dreams.  James Carter took the lead in this area and explained that when I awaken with a sense of fear of having said negative things it is an example of the most common dream people have, that of not being prepared or not being able to handle a task.  He likened it to a student dreaming that they are taking a test they haven't studied for.  He went on to explain that I am attempting to make a change in my life and change creates anxiety.  That anxiety is most likely the cause of the dreams.  Nice to know what I am going through is normal and to be expected.  These guys are really great to give of their time and talents to help me in this project.  I hope they gain something from it, I know I am.

The Westboro Baptist Church Test

I nearly stumbled this morning in my quest to say nothing negative about anyone ever.  On Facebook I came across the following post:

"I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!!!  This morning I listened to the 911 tape on newsok.com of this mother screaming for someone to help her and screaming for her babies.  and now...Westboro Baptist Church will picket the memorial for the  3 children killed in a Del City RV Fire according to a new press release!  OMG!  I AM FURIOUS!!!!"

I was furious myself after reading it, but it didn't stop there.  She went on to post:

XXXXXX The comments below are NOT from me! XXXXXX

"Warning: reading this filth may cause anger, disbelief, and heartbreak.  It is written as stated at the  website of the WBC!

They say: "these children were cut-ff in their youth by an angry God to remind Oklahomans "Touch not mine anointed and do my prophets no harm." -Psalm 105:15

"Then shall he speak unto them in his wrath, and vex them in his sore displeasure." -Psalm 2:5

The residents of fag and faux-Christian infested Oklahoma think they can stop WBC's Gospel message (repent & obey!) by vandalizing WBC property. As a result of their mistreatment of the Lord's servants and their refusal to obey the Lord, God Himself continues to kill more evil Oklahomans in His wrath! The charred remains of these children are an adumbration of the eternal fires reserved in Hell for this wicked generation.

THANK GOD FOR MORE DEAD OKLAHOMANS!"

XXXXXX The comments above are NOT from me! XXXXXX

Of course what followed was a lot of people posting their outrage about Westboro Baptist Church.  After reading it, I was left wondering if someone in my position, trying to say nothing negative about anyone ever, should just stay off of Facebook.  Then of course I thought I would also have to stop watching any news programs, or reading the newspaper, or listenting to the radio, or talking to anyone... well you see where that kind of thought leads.  I do not want to withdraw from life in order to say nothing negative.  I'm reminded of a statement I heard many years ago "It is easy to be a holyman on a mountaintop."  I of course also realized that I could simply say nothing on the facebook post, but somehow saying nothing didn't seem right to me either.  So after a little thought I posted this:

"I have a new resolution this year to say nothing negative about anyone ever, so I will simply say that this makes me proud to be an Oklahoman."

I was satisfied that I had done my civic duty AND had done it without saying anything negative about anyone.  But, my post solicited the following response:

"WE need to stand up for what we believe too.  But it can be done with grace and intelligence.  I believe there is a time to stand and fight or we will be bulldozed over."

So I left one final post on the topic:

"It is obvious to me that ANY group that would protest at the funeral of innocent children wants attention and must enjoy the reaction they get from such an outrageous act.  I am refusing to give them that satisfaction by ignoring them.  I stand with those who are proud to be Oklahomans."

Of course I realize this is only comments made on Facebook and they have no power to change anything for the family of those poor children or to change the minds of the members of the Westboro Baptist Church, but these words do indeed represent a real change in reaction from me.  You see this is just the kind of thing I would have unloaded on only a week ago.  I do not pretend to know if it is better that I didn't unload on it now, I just know it isn't the same old usual reaction I would have had.  Let me rephrase that, I did have the same reaction in terms of anger, I simply chose not to act on it in a negative way.  This may be one of the most interesting points of conversation with my support team tomorrow at our first weekly lunch meeting.  When one encounters people he truly believes are wrong and are doing harm should one refrain from negative comments about them?  Is it possible to be truly involved in life and engaged in the conversation of life without making negative comments?  I'm still not sure, however I am satisfied that my comments on this incident are sufficient to convey my position without negativity.  Lets see what the pros say?  What do you say?

The English Professor Speaks

The support team of professionals have not yet met since my resolution began on January 1st, but I am happy to tell you they are already thinking about our Friday meeting and preparing their thoughts.  I received this message today:

Greetings!!  My name is Scott Haywood, and I am the English Professor that Dave has selected to help him on his journey to "never say anything negative about anyone ever". To give you some background about Dave and me, we have known each for more than thirty years.  Our relationship has been strong and close, especially the past five years.   Dave and I frequently enter into philosophical conversations, which is one of the the reasons why he chose me for the project.  So what is my task on this project?  I am to attempt to interpret what is really saying something negative!  Right, I got the easy job!!  So I will attempt to be the deciding factor as to whether Dave is speaking negative!!  My first analysis?  Inanimate objects cannot have their feelings hurt, so the malt was stupid!!  I will provide my insight in the journey, and I must say.... it has made me examine what I say about others.  I will attempt to post weekly and give you my two-cents on Dave's progress!!

-Scott Haywood

Well I must say I am encouraged by Scott's early ruling on the malt incident.  I may have to let him inform my wife after our meeting on Friday so as to keep me free from any negative comments!  Scott's observation that my attempt has made him examine what he says about others, has been a comment I have heard from several people in my life.  I know this process is really making me think, at least when my brain is not frozen by a malt.  I can honestly say that to the best of my knowledge I have not said anything negative about anyone now for 5 days.  One interesting thing is that I have been waking up in the mornings with a sense of fear that I have been making negative comments.  I think I am having dreams in which I make negative comments, but they seem to be on the edge of my memory when I wake and I cannot recall them.  I will discuss this with the mental health professional at our meeting of Friday.  Perhaps the dreams are my minds way of discharging negative thoughts I am not acting on during the day?  Maybe it is just that my subconcious has not caught up with my concious efforts to change my behavior and....  Oh well I don't have to figure it out.  That is why I have the team to help me.

The End of War?

My list of questions for my support group is growing.  The minister, the counselor, the english professor and I are scheduled to meet for lunch and discussion on Friday.  Our plan is to meet every Friday.  I am to keep track of my progress and setbacks and then we will review the week together.  One of my top questions so far in this journey:
Is calling a malt stupid a negative comment about someone?  (See yesterday's blog for an explanation)  My wife of course says it is because I only called it stupid because I took the big bite that gave me a headache so the comment was really calling myself stupid.  I'm not sure I agree.  I will put it to my support team on Friday.  So picture if you will 4 grown men, 3 of them professionals sitting at lunch discussing the implications of calling a malt stupid.  I smile as I write this because I think in this world of ours that has many problems it is humorous that we 4 will be seriously discussing my malt transgression.  Perhaps you find this silly?  Perhaps you are right.  But, another part of me thinks this is really serious stuff.  Afterall if we as humans could really learn to say nothing negative about anyone ever, just think of how that might change civilization.  Many arguments would never happen.  Perhaps war itself would become impossible to wage because how could any government drum up support for their war chest if they couldn't say anything negative about anyone?  If we couldn't say anything negative about each other, maybe war would never be declared in the first place.  To think that all of this may well hinge on 4 men, a lunch, and a philosophical discussion about a malt and a brain freeze is enough to boggle the mind.  As you might gather I am still enjoying this project and I am still filled with optimism about the results.  It has been really interesting to me the incredible number of negative comments that have ran through my mind over the first 4 days of this year.  Comments that, prior to this experiment, I would have made without even thinking about their negativity.  I still think I have always been a pretty positive person, but the evidence is beginning to make me question that assumption.

First Monday, a Massage, and a Malt

Back to work.  Both jobs.  By the way, for anyone who doesn't already know me, allow me to introduce myself.  My name is of course Dave.  I manage an 800 seat performing arts center that is a restored 1927 vaudeville and silent movie palace.  I am also a morning DJ for an oldies station that is in the old theatre.  Other sidelines include working as a ventriloquist, magician and mobile DJ.  So as you can see a lot of my work involves speaking and all of it involves dealing with people, lots of people, all sorts of people.  My wife, Lori is a kindergarten teacher and we have two children, Emily 15, and Dawson 10.  So now you know a little bit more about this man trying to say nothing negative about anyone ever.  We have auditions tonight for a children's musical at the theatre that my wife is directing.  At 1:00 this afternoon my wife and I treated ourselves each to an hour long massage to get us ready for the coming year and in my case to help relieve any stress so that I could better focus on saying nothing negative about anyone ever.  I left the massage completely relaxed and stress free.  I was confident that I had discovered a wonderful tool that would help me in my quest.  I even thought about scheduling a massage once a week as a reward if I could make it a week without saying anything negative about anyone.  Yes!  I thought, this is the ticket.  I'm on the right road now, nothing can stop me.  It wasn't even an hour after the massage that I made my first negative statement of the day!  My wife and I went and picked up our kids to take them to lunch.  The kids started fighting in the car as I backed out of the driveway.  No problem.  I calmly pulled back into the driveway and quietly announced that I had decided to just get lunch on my own and hurry back to work.  Of course this made both kids promise to stop fighting and be on their best behavior if the family could only PLEASE have lunch together.  After all in a couple of days they will all be back in school and lunch together on a weekday will be out of the question.  So, assured that the rest of the lunch would be stress free we took off for Chili's.  While waiting for our lunch to arrive I sat sipping my Coke Zero when my son offered me a bite of his chocolate malt that he had been bragging about, so of course I took a bite... a big bite... and then... I got a BIG brain freeze.  I removed my glasses and began rubbing my eyes waiting for the pain to subside when my wife said "What's wrong?"  I replied, "That stupid malt gave me a brain freeze!"  My daughter jumped into action pointing at me laughing and announcing loud enough for the tables around us to hear, "That is NEGATIVE!"  I admitted she was right, but then my wife, who is being very supportive came to my rescue.  She said, "A malt is not a person, and Dad's resolution is to not say anything negative about anyone ever."  I thought I was home free for a nano-second until my wife went on to reason aloud, "Of course if a malt isn't a person, it can't be stupid, so the comment goes back on yourself for taking the big bite, so that was being negative about yourself."  I said, "Ok, noted.  I slipped up in a moment of pain brought on by a chocolate malt."  And so it is that I left Chili's a wiser soul with a new area for me to watch out for, comments made while experiencing physical pain.  I have a feeling that in the coming days, the malt incident will seem minor to new challenges I will face.  Stupid malt!

The Journey Begins

I have now gone through my first official day and I am well into day two as I write this.  So how long do you think I made it without saying anything negative about anyone?  How does two minutes sound?  And I was REALLY trying!  All is not lost, however because no one heard me, and also because on this journey I will stumble many times.  It is the getting back up that counts.  Ok, so what was my first negative comment of the new year?  We had a little party at my house with family and friends ringing in the new year.  Just after midnight we were watching the celebration in Las Vegas and an act danced.  When they were finished I remarked "That was awful."  As soon as I said it I realized what I had done.  I looked around the living room and no one had heard me, which begs the question: "If one says a negative comment in a living room and no one hears it, does it count?"  Of course I say it DOES count because my resolution is to SAY NOTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT ANYONE EVER.  My second and so far only other negative comment happened as I was driving my brother and daughter to Pop's in Arcadia.  A vehicle was driving in the passing lane along side another car and would not pull over so I could pass.  Without thinking I said, "Why is this Yahoo driving in the passing lane?"  Now I think the question of why someone is driving in a passing lane is ok, but I know calling him a Yahoo is certainly negative.  Neither my brother nor my daughter said anything.  I looked around and he was napping, and she had headphones on.  So again my negative comment was not heard.  I have learned already that this is going to be extremely difficult and will require 100% attention at all times.  Still, I think being a day and a half into this and having not been heard to utter a negative comment about anyone yet, is pretty darn good!  I know it is an improvement because I have had dozens of negative comments come to my mind, mainly as "humorous little quips", but I have kept silent every time.  I still don't know if the result of this will be me becoming a more positive person, or just quieter.