Shortest Blog Entry Yet

I am completely broken.  Hopelessly human.  Perhaps I am becoming teachable?  An important outer journey in my life has come to an end.  A clear focus on the inner journey is what is most needed at this moment.  I am thankful to be aware of this fact.

Self Be Not Proud

I have made some good progress on this journey to say nothing negative about anyone, but I have been far from perfect.  Did ANYONE really think I would achieve perfection?  Far too often in my life I have allowed the lack of perfection to stop me dead in my tracks.  "Obviously I can't do this, so why even try?" my negative inner voice says to me.  One of the points of this journey is to seek a better understanding of my self and the underlying forces at work that lead me to say something negative about someone.  I have to remind myself of that and accept the fact that I will stumble and it is when I fail that I have an opportunity to learn.  Well I have a spectacular failure to learn from that happened this past weekend.  Here it is Friday, SIX days after the incident and it has hardly left my mind for a moment since it occured.  Yes I failed in my attempt to say nothing negative last Saturday.  OK, I lost it, and the result was not pretty.  I have been listening to my inner tape ever since.  Here is what I have been hearing:  "He deserved it!"  "Who could blame you?!?"  "You have failed."  "You are worthless!"  Well you get the idea.  The struggle going on inside of my head tries to both vindicate and punish me at the same time.  What a waste of time!  SIX DAYS of my life wasted with this inner struggle for what?  A few seconds of anger expressed inappropriately at another human being.  It is NOT worth it.  I want to move beyond it.  This attempt to say nothing negative has given me yet another gift... but only if I can learn from my mistakes, forgive myself, and truly try to grow from the experience.  I KNOW that is what I want, otherwise why would I have ever began this journey?