The Family Speaks

After one week of attempting to say nothing negative about anyone ever, I thought it might be appropriate to see how my efforts are being received by the people around me.  Here are the comments from my Wife, Daughter and Son.

My wife of 17 years:

When I first heard Dave's idea about this New Year's Resolution, I thought, "Ok, this is another of Dave's ideas that will drive me crazy!  It will be all he'll talk about for a whole year!!!"  Well, I was wrong.  Yes, I said it, I was wrong.  So far, the biggest change I have noticed is that Dave is a LOT quieter.  For example, the other day, I was doing some work in the Poncan office for Evans Children's Academy and when I left, I locked Dave's keys in the office.  He was out in the Theatre working and when he was ready to leave, he couldn't get his keys.  He called me and simply said, "Hey, honey, did you lock my keys in the office?" I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, yes I did."  He calmly said, "That's OK, could you just go by Leta's, get her keys and we'll be able to get in the office."  I did this and when I got to the Poncan, Dave kissed my cheek and said "Thank You, Honey."  Now I have to tell you that I don't believe this would have been his response before January 1st!!!  This is just one simple example of how his resolution is affecting him and the people around him.  I know there have been many occassions since Jan. 1 where Dave has wanted to say something negative but, has chosen the 'high road' and didn't say anything.  It has made the atmosphere more pleasant and has made me want to do the same in not saying negative things.  I haven't been as successful as Dave but, hey, it wasn't my resolution!!!!

-Lori

My 15 year old daughter:

My dad is the kind of person that is always doing something. He can't be bored. So when life appears to be slowing down slightly, he stews up another brilliant plan. He's always spitting out ideas, so when he first informed me of his latest, say nothing negative about anyone ever, i didn't put much thought into it, assuming it was just a thought he had and decided to share with me. I had no idea he was actually going to go this far with it.
  Later, at a dinner with some close friends, he was discussing it. I soon realized he was serious about this. I sat there quietly through half the meal listening to everyone's thoughts, choosing not to share mine just yet. When there was a drop in conversation I decided to announce my opinion. I told him flatly, "I don't want you to do it." Everyone just stared at me blankly. No one else had made that statement all night. Everyone seemed to think it was an interesting concept. They all had questions about what was considered negative, and debated whether he could do it or not, but evidently no one's thoughts had gone the same way as mine. Let me explain why I didn't want him to go through with it.
  When I'm arguing with my mom or brother (which is fairly often) I find it relaxing to go somewhere with my dad. It's like a little vacation away from the petty argument.  Our talks always put me in a better mood. He makes me laugh, sometimes using negative comments about things. His sense of humor is such a huge part of him, I didn't want it to have to change. Thinking about this made me realize how a person couldn't go through a year-long experiment like this and not change. Everything about him could change. For all I know, the effect of all this could be him becoming a completely different person. And maybe I wouldn't be as close to that person.
   After I told him all this, he told me how he thought he would change, but for the better. He said he sees the destructive power of negative comments and he sees that as something he has the power to change. We left the conversation there for the time being. I didn't want to think about it anymore for the night.
   One week of saying nothing negative has gone by and my thoughts have completely changed. I see that he can still make me laugh, and we're just as close as ever if not closer. The only thing that has changed is that there's a more positive vibe around our family.
  I've spent a lot of time thinking about the meaning of what he's doing, and finally came to this conclusion:
  I know I can be negative a lot of the time. In fact, what I find myself talking to my parents about most of the time, is the stupid or cruel things friends of mine have done, and I end up making myself miserable dwelling on it. I suddenly came to this frightening realization. My dad saw a character flaw in himself that was affecting others around him for the worse. I see now that I share that flaw. I'm not one to like seeing the bad in myself, in fact, I hate it, which happens to be another flaw of mine. So this was very hard for me. I knew that he was right though. And I have a huge amount of respect for him having the courage to try to change himself. I am slowly trying to change my outlook too. I want to be the best person I can be, so thank you dad for once again showing me the way. I admire everything you do and I am continually amazed with the thoughts you provoke in me. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. I'll always be ready to learn from you, so don't ever stop teaching.
                                        I love you,
                                           Emily

My 10 year old son:

My dad and I disagree on what is negative.  One time he told the dogs to shut up.  I said that was negative and that dogs are people too.  Dad didn't agree.

-Dawson

First Weekly Meeting Report

Yesterday my support team met for lunch to discuss my first week.  The topic of the "stupid malt" was dispensed with rather quickly with all agreeing that my calling a malt stupid did NOT constitute saying something negative about SOMEONE.  They rejected the argument put forward earlier by my wife that since the malt could not be stupid, I must have been making a negative statement about myself for taking the big bite that gave me the brain freeze.  So with that decision the score at one week stands at Negative Comments 2, Dave ?  Well I guess there is no way to score the times I did not say a negative comment.  Lets just say that only 2 negative comments in a week is an INCREDIBLE improvement.  The 2 comments were both within the first 12 hours of my attempt, were not heard by anyone, and can be found in earlier posts.  The other 2 questions I had for the support group had to do with the post titled "The Westboro Baptist Church Test" and also about the dreams I've had about making negative comments during the past week.  Most of the groups conversation tended to revolve around how to perform one's civic duty without saying anything negative about anyone, no matter how you perceive them.  James Carter, our mental health expert, said it best when he said the challenge is to "Refute an argument without negativity".  Mike Smith, the minister, pointed out that in the case of Westboro Baptist Church, he agrees with me that the church seems to thrive on people's responses to their actions, so perhaps the most virtuous thing to do is to not give them a response.  He also agreed that standing with the victims of their actions would also be virtuous.  I might point out that so far Mike is the only member of the team that has couched the process of this experiment in terms of "virtue".  He also gave me reading and a writing assignments for this week.  He said since I continue to refer to this resolution as an experiment, I am to write my hypothesis for the expected outcome.  My reading assignment is Philippians 4.  It seemed the group approved of my response to the Westboro Baptist Church event and there was a great deal of philosophical discussion around the idea of civic duty and how we communicate.  The last topic of discussion was my dreams.  James Carter took the lead in this area and explained that when I awaken with a sense of fear of having said negative things it is an example of the most common dream people have, that of not being prepared or not being able to handle a task.  He likened it to a student dreaming that they are taking a test they haven't studied for.  He went on to explain that I am attempting to make a change in my life and change creates anxiety.  That anxiety is most likely the cause of the dreams.  Nice to know what I am going through is normal and to be expected.  These guys are really great to give of their time and talents to help me in this project.  I hope they gain something from it, I know I am.

The Westboro Baptist Church Test

I nearly stumbled this morning in my quest to say nothing negative about anyone ever.  On Facebook I came across the following post:

"I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!!!  This morning I listened to the 911 tape on newsok.com of this mother screaming for someone to help her and screaming for her babies.  and now...Westboro Baptist Church will picket the memorial for the  3 children killed in a Del City RV Fire according to a new press release!  OMG!  I AM FURIOUS!!!!"

I was furious myself after reading it, but it didn't stop there.  She went on to post:

XXXXXX The comments below are NOT from me! XXXXXX

"Warning: reading this filth may cause anger, disbelief, and heartbreak.  It is written as stated at the  website of the WBC!

They say: "these children were cut-ff in their youth by an angry God to remind Oklahomans "Touch not mine anointed and do my prophets no harm." -Psalm 105:15

"Then shall he speak unto them in his wrath, and vex them in his sore displeasure." -Psalm 2:5

The residents of fag and faux-Christian infested Oklahoma think they can stop WBC's Gospel message (repent & obey!) by vandalizing WBC property. As a result of their mistreatment of the Lord's servants and their refusal to obey the Lord, God Himself continues to kill more evil Oklahomans in His wrath! The charred remains of these children are an adumbration of the eternal fires reserved in Hell for this wicked generation.

THANK GOD FOR MORE DEAD OKLAHOMANS!"

XXXXXX The comments above are NOT from me! XXXXXX

Of course what followed was a lot of people posting their outrage about Westboro Baptist Church.  After reading it, I was left wondering if someone in my position, trying to say nothing negative about anyone ever, should just stay off of Facebook.  Then of course I thought I would also have to stop watching any news programs, or reading the newspaper, or listenting to the radio, or talking to anyone... well you see where that kind of thought leads.  I do not want to withdraw from life in order to say nothing negative.  I'm reminded of a statement I heard many years ago "It is easy to be a holyman on a mountaintop."  I of course also realized that I could simply say nothing on the facebook post, but somehow saying nothing didn't seem right to me either.  So after a little thought I posted this:

"I have a new resolution this year to say nothing negative about anyone ever, so I will simply say that this makes me proud to be an Oklahoman."

I was satisfied that I had done my civic duty AND had done it without saying anything negative about anyone.  But, my post solicited the following response:

"WE need to stand up for what we believe too.  But it can be done with grace and intelligence.  I believe there is a time to stand and fight or we will be bulldozed over."

So I left one final post on the topic:

"It is obvious to me that ANY group that would protest at the funeral of innocent children wants attention and must enjoy the reaction they get from such an outrageous act.  I am refusing to give them that satisfaction by ignoring them.  I stand with those who are proud to be Oklahomans."

Of course I realize this is only comments made on Facebook and they have no power to change anything for the family of those poor children or to change the minds of the members of the Westboro Baptist Church, but these words do indeed represent a real change in reaction from me.  You see this is just the kind of thing I would have unloaded on only a week ago.  I do not pretend to know if it is better that I didn't unload on it now, I just know it isn't the same old usual reaction I would have had.  Let me rephrase that, I did have the same reaction in terms of anger, I simply chose not to act on it in a negative way.  This may be one of the most interesting points of conversation with my support team tomorrow at our first weekly lunch meeting.  When one encounters people he truly believes are wrong and are doing harm should one refrain from negative comments about them?  Is it possible to be truly involved in life and engaged in the conversation of life without making negative comments?  I'm still not sure, however I am satisfied that my comments on this incident are sufficient to convey my position without negativity.  Lets see what the pros say?  What do you say?

The English Professor Speaks

The support team of professionals have not yet met since my resolution began on January 1st, but I am happy to tell you they are already thinking about our Friday meeting and preparing their thoughts.  I received this message today:

Greetings!!  My name is Scott Haywood, and I am the English Professor that Dave has selected to help him on his journey to "never say anything negative about anyone ever". To give you some background about Dave and me, we have known each for more than thirty years.  Our relationship has been strong and close, especially the past five years.   Dave and I frequently enter into philosophical conversations, which is one of the the reasons why he chose me for the project.  So what is my task on this project?  I am to attempt to interpret what is really saying something negative!  Right, I got the easy job!!  So I will attempt to be the deciding factor as to whether Dave is speaking negative!!  My first analysis?  Inanimate objects cannot have their feelings hurt, so the malt was stupid!!  I will provide my insight in the journey, and I must say.... it has made me examine what I say about others.  I will attempt to post weekly and give you my two-cents on Dave's progress!!

-Scott Haywood

Well I must say I am encouraged by Scott's early ruling on the malt incident.  I may have to let him inform my wife after our meeting on Friday so as to keep me free from any negative comments!  Scott's observation that my attempt has made him examine what he says about others, has been a comment I have heard from several people in my life.  I know this process is really making me think, at least when my brain is not frozen by a malt.  I can honestly say that to the best of my knowledge I have not said anything negative about anyone now for 5 days.  One interesting thing is that I have been waking up in the mornings with a sense of fear that I have been making negative comments.  I think I am having dreams in which I make negative comments, but they seem to be on the edge of my memory when I wake and I cannot recall them.  I will discuss this with the mental health professional at our meeting of Friday.  Perhaps the dreams are my minds way of discharging negative thoughts I am not acting on during the day?  Maybe it is just that my subconcious has not caught up with my concious efforts to change my behavior and....  Oh well I don't have to figure it out.  That is why I have the team to help me.

The End of War?

My list of questions for my support group is growing.  The minister, the counselor, the english professor and I are scheduled to meet for lunch and discussion on Friday.  Our plan is to meet every Friday.  I am to keep track of my progress and setbacks and then we will review the week together.  One of my top questions so far in this journey:
Is calling a malt stupid a negative comment about someone?  (See yesterday's blog for an explanation)  My wife of course says it is because I only called it stupid because I took the big bite that gave me a headache so the comment was really calling myself stupid.  I'm not sure I agree.  I will put it to my support team on Friday.  So picture if you will 4 grown men, 3 of them professionals sitting at lunch discussing the implications of calling a malt stupid.  I smile as I write this because I think in this world of ours that has many problems it is humorous that we 4 will be seriously discussing my malt transgression.  Perhaps you find this silly?  Perhaps you are right.  But, another part of me thinks this is really serious stuff.  Afterall if we as humans could really learn to say nothing negative about anyone ever, just think of how that might change civilization.  Many arguments would never happen.  Perhaps war itself would become impossible to wage because how could any government drum up support for their war chest if they couldn't say anything negative about anyone?  If we couldn't say anything negative about each other, maybe war would never be declared in the first place.  To think that all of this may well hinge on 4 men, a lunch, and a philosophical discussion about a malt and a brain freeze is enough to boggle the mind.  As you might gather I am still enjoying this project and I am still filled with optimism about the results.  It has been really interesting to me the incredible number of negative comments that have ran through my mind over the first 4 days of this year.  Comments that, prior to this experiment, I would have made without even thinking about their negativity.  I still think I have always been a pretty positive person, but the evidence is beginning to make me question that assumption.

First Monday, a Massage, and a Malt

Back to work.  Both jobs.  By the way, for anyone who doesn't already know me, allow me to introduce myself.  My name is of course Dave.  I manage an 800 seat performing arts center that is a restored 1927 vaudeville and silent movie palace.  I am also a morning DJ for an oldies station that is in the old theatre.  Other sidelines include working as a ventriloquist, magician and mobile DJ.  So as you can see a lot of my work involves speaking and all of it involves dealing with people, lots of people, all sorts of people.  My wife, Lori is a kindergarten teacher and we have two children, Emily 15, and Dawson 10.  So now you know a little bit more about this man trying to say nothing negative about anyone ever.  We have auditions tonight for a children's musical at the theatre that my wife is directing.  At 1:00 this afternoon my wife and I treated ourselves each to an hour long massage to get us ready for the coming year and in my case to help relieve any stress so that I could better focus on saying nothing negative about anyone ever.  I left the massage completely relaxed and stress free.  I was confident that I had discovered a wonderful tool that would help me in my quest.  I even thought about scheduling a massage once a week as a reward if I could make it a week without saying anything negative about anyone.  Yes!  I thought, this is the ticket.  I'm on the right road now, nothing can stop me.  It wasn't even an hour after the massage that I made my first negative statement of the day!  My wife and I went and picked up our kids to take them to lunch.  The kids started fighting in the car as I backed out of the driveway.  No problem.  I calmly pulled back into the driveway and quietly announced that I had decided to just get lunch on my own and hurry back to work.  Of course this made both kids promise to stop fighting and be on their best behavior if the family could only PLEASE have lunch together.  After all in a couple of days they will all be back in school and lunch together on a weekday will be out of the question.  So, assured that the rest of the lunch would be stress free we took off for Chili's.  While waiting for our lunch to arrive I sat sipping my Coke Zero when my son offered me a bite of his chocolate malt that he had been bragging about, so of course I took a bite... a big bite... and then... I got a BIG brain freeze.  I removed my glasses and began rubbing my eyes waiting for the pain to subside when my wife said "What's wrong?"  I replied, "That stupid malt gave me a brain freeze!"  My daughter jumped into action pointing at me laughing and announcing loud enough for the tables around us to hear, "That is NEGATIVE!"  I admitted she was right, but then my wife, who is being very supportive came to my rescue.  She said, "A malt is not a person, and Dad's resolution is to not say anything negative about anyone ever."  I thought I was home free for a nano-second until my wife went on to reason aloud, "Of course if a malt isn't a person, it can't be stupid, so the comment goes back on yourself for taking the big bite, so that was being negative about yourself."  I said, "Ok, noted.  I slipped up in a moment of pain brought on by a chocolate malt."  And so it is that I left Chili's a wiser soul with a new area for me to watch out for, comments made while experiencing physical pain.  I have a feeling that in the coming days, the malt incident will seem minor to new challenges I will face.  Stupid malt!

The Journey Begins

I have now gone through my first official day and I am well into day two as I write this.  So how long do you think I made it without saying anything negative about anyone?  How does two minutes sound?  And I was REALLY trying!  All is not lost, however because no one heard me, and also because on this journey I will stumble many times.  It is the getting back up that counts.  Ok, so what was my first negative comment of the new year?  We had a little party at my house with family and friends ringing in the new year.  Just after midnight we were watching the celebration in Las Vegas and an act danced.  When they were finished I remarked "That was awful."  As soon as I said it I realized what I had done.  I looked around the living room and no one had heard me, which begs the question: "If one says a negative comment in a living room and no one hears it, does it count?"  Of course I say it DOES count because my resolution is to SAY NOTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT ANYONE EVER.  My second and so far only other negative comment happened as I was driving my brother and daughter to Pop's in Arcadia.  A vehicle was driving in the passing lane along side another car and would not pull over so I could pass.  Without thinking I said, "Why is this Yahoo driving in the passing lane?"  Now I think the question of why someone is driving in a passing lane is ok, but I know calling him a Yahoo is certainly negative.  Neither my brother nor my daughter said anything.  I looked around and he was napping, and she had headphones on.  So again my negative comment was not heard.  I have learned already that this is going to be extremely difficult and will require 100% attention at all times.  Still, I think being a day and a half into this and having not been heard to utter a negative comment about anyone yet, is pretty darn good!  I know it is an improvement because I have had dozens of negative comments come to my mind, mainly as "humorous little quips", but I have kept silent every time.  I still don't know if the result of this will be me becoming a more positive person, or just quieter.